Communication at Eye Level: How to Engage in an “Adult” Dialogue

2024-12-17 10:43

Communication plays a crucial role in building and maintaining relationships, aligning and achieving shared goals, and satisfying social needs. However, not all communication is equally effective – conversations and discussions often suffer from a lack of fundamental communication skills. Another important role impacting any communication play the so-called Ego States that people have and that influence their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

The Three Ego States We Have in Communication

Parent: Characterized by the urge to control, judge, direct, or be overly protective.
Child: Involves spontaneous and playful, or dependent (and overly compliant), or intuitive and creative behavior.
Adult: Communication at eye level, where opinions and goals are mutually respected and understood. Involves clear expression of one’s views and objectives so that they could be respected and understood by the other party, while also standing firm when necessary.

Why Communicating at Eye Level Matters

When communication occurs at eye level, it increases the likelihood of finding common ground despite differing opinions and goals, ensuring that both parties’ interests are perceived and taken into account. Even when consensus is unattainable, "communication at eye level" ensures you assert your perspective while respecting the other person's interests.

The Source of Conflicts

Conflicts often arise when people communicate while having different Ego States. For instance:

A person in the Parent Ego State may try to dominate the conversation and dictate its direction.
A person in the Child Ego State might follow instructions without agreeing, or respond emotionally, rebelling or drifting off-topic.

Examples of Interactions Between People in Different Ego States

Scenario: An employee faces a problem. Instead of independently seeking a solution (Adult), they approach their manager, expecting a ready-made solution (Child). If the manager offers an immediate solution, they may (intentionally or unintentionally) be the nurturing Parent, directing the “child” on what to do.

Nurturing Parent Examples:

"In this situation, John, you should do the following: First, email the client and let them know you’ll send a proposal in your next message. Then send me your draft report, and I’ll revise it myself before sending it to the client."

Alternatively, the manager could be the critical Parent, focusing on faults and criticizing.

Critical Parent Examples:

"Your proposal is again missing something…"

"You were too generous with discounts during the client meeting."

Adult Communication

If the manager communicates as an Adult, they encourage the employee to find a solution themselves. This prompts the employee to shift the Adult, fostering their development.

Examples of Adult Communication:

“I understand your concern, John. What ideas do you have for solving this issue? Let’s discuss your suggestions tomorrow and decide on the best course of action together.”

“John, what would be the impact of Option 1 for the client and for our company? And what about Option 2?”

“So, Option 1 is more beneficial for both the client and us, right? What effort would it require to implement Option 1?”

“Is it realistic to complete these tasks within a week? How could we manage this?”

Even if the manager already knows the answers, they ask guiding questions to help the employee assess the situation holistically. This ensures the employee remains in the Adult Ego State and continues engaging in the dialogue at eye level.

Tips for Communicating with Superiors

Avoid impulsiveness and vagueness.
Clearly and concisely state your ideas:What is the topic? What is the objective (to inform, propose, make a decision, etc.)? Why is the topic important? Only after this should you provide explanations and offer solutions or improvements.
Avoid excuses or shifting blame onto colleagues or circumstances. Answer questions directly: “Yes,” “No,” “I don’t know,” or “I’ll provide a clear answer tomorrow once I have the information, probably by 11 am.”

Communication in Personal Life

In personal relationships, the dynamics are more complex. Generational differences, varying expectations, behavioral patterns, fluctuating moods, and differing values often come into play.

The key is to listen, accept and respect, as well as understand one another. Recognize mutual expectations and decide whether you are willing to meet the ones of your interlocutor.

If you communicate as Adult but notice that your conversation partner is operating in the Parent or Child Ego State, consider reading articles on interaction patterns.

Developing Communication Skills

To enhance specific communication skills, thematic short-term training sessions can be highly beneficial. These trainings provide techniques for constructive communication, enabling you to avoid or resolve conflicts effectively and engage in dialogues at eye level.

If you are communicating from the “adult position” yourself, but notice that the person you are talking to is acting from the parent or child position, I recommend reading the articles on interaction patterns, e.g: How to Heal Your ‘Child-Self’?

For the further development of your communication skills, I recommend taking thematic short-term training courses. In these training sessions, you will develop techniques for constructive communication that will help you, among other things, to avoid conflict situations or to resolve them constructively at eye level. For a better understanding of what short-term training is, I recommend you read the article: What Is Short-Term Training, and What Does It Offer?