Interacting with other people can be challenging, especially when our views, goals or values are different from theirs. However, conscious and mature communication can turn these differences into opportunities for mutual understanding, broadening of horizons and growth.
The Basic Principle of Constructive Communication
A conscious person understands that it makes little sense to try to dissuade other people from their opinions and beliefs, or even to try to re-educate them. They accept other people as they are without demanding that they conform to their expectations. At the same time, a conscious person articulates their own opinions and convictions and distances themselves from attempts to convince them otherwise or to demand that they conform to other people's expectations.
Behavior that corresponds to such an attitude is described in the Basic Principle of Constructive Communication and Interaction.
This principle consists of five steps:
- Perceive – Listen attentively to the other person, especially when it comes to relevant topics and conflicting opinions. This is the basis for any understanding.
- Accept – Allowing other people to have different opinions without dismissing them as ‘wrong’ or ‘nonsensical’ before you have even understood all the details of these opinions.
- Understand – Understand the other person as they want to be understood, without ‘reinterpreting’ or distorting their opinion.
- Draw Conclusions – Recognize and decide for yourself how important the views or opinions expressed by the other person are.
- Act – Apply the KSS approach (Keep, Stop,Start) to consciously bring changes into your communication or your life in general, especially if you have received relevant suggestions from the person you are talking to.
Problems in Each Step of the Basic Principle of Constructive Communication and How to Solve Them
Perceive
Excessive or long-winded explanations by the interlocutor as well as distractions can make it difficult to listen. Solution: politely ask your interlocutor to explain the gist of what they are saying in a short form (1-2 sentences); also avoid distractions.
Interrupting the other person can also lead to misunderstandings and unnecessary delays in the course of the conversation. At the same time, it can affect the atmosphere in which a conversation takes place.
Solution: concentrate, let the other person finish and actually listen.
Accept
It is easy for people to fall into the trap of judging the opinion of their conversation partner as ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ without having agreed on concrete criteria for such an assessment in advance. These assessments often express personal feelings such as ‘I like it’ or ‘I dislike it’ or ‘Yes, I can imagine that’ or ‘No, I can't imagine that’.
Solution: we accept the fact that other people may have a different opinion to us on issues that concern us. That doesn't mean that we have to like this other point of view straight away and throw our own point of view overboard! However, by accepting other views, we are very likely to prevent a conversation from turning into an argument or degenerating into conflict. We also keep the boundaries of our own horizons open!
Understand
Too many words, repeated interruptions and hasty assessments or superficial conclusions can significantly reduce mutual understanding between conversation partners. In order to really understand each other, especially when it comes to personally significant topics and complicated issues, it is helpful if we ask clarifying questions or repeat our partner's statements in our own words. This ensures that we understand our conversation partner ‘correctly’, i.e. the way they want to be understood. We also avoid ‘putting words or statements into their mouth’ that they did not say.
Draw Conclusions
If a person is only partially aware of, ignores or rejects other opinions and new points of view, or if they are unable or unwilling to understand them, this will sooner or later limit their horizons. This can have a detrimental effect on their spiritual development and personal growth. However, if a person is willing and able to perceive, accept and understand new information, it is advisable to ask themselves whether this information is relevant to them. If not, they can continue to live as before. However, if they consider the information to be significant, it is advisable to take the next step.
Act
First, we consciously decide which thoughts, emotional evaluations and behaviors we want to keep in our dealings with others and ourselves, which ones we want to stop and which ones we want to start strengthening or developing anew. We then gradually put these changes into practice.
Application of the KSS Method to Change
Changes in communication and relationships with other people can be useful in various areas – in the family, in friendships or at work. After you have gone through the first steps of the Basic Principle of Constructive Communication, in the 5th step you determine which personal behaviors or habits you consider helpful – you simply keep them.
Then look at those behaviors that have a disruptive effect on communication and relationships with other people – end/stop these ‘bad habits’! Then decide which new behaviors can improve the quality of your communication with other people – you start to build these up step by step and consolidate them as habits.
The process of ending/stopping ‘bad habits’ and at the same time starting/building new behaviors takes 1-3 months if you consciously work on it every day. This requires willpower and self-discipline!
As soon as your communication with other people improves, this affects the quality of your relationships with them. And this usually also leads to an improvement in your own quality of life.
Example Situation
Anna has repeated arguments with her mother because of the criticism her mother frequently makes of Anna's style of child-rearing. Anna notices how the strained relationship with her mother is deteriorating noticeably. At the same time, she senses how this is affecting her own and her mother's emotional state. She decides to try to improve her relationship with her mother again because she is convinced that her mother is free of ‘bad intentions’ towards Anna.
Example of Application of the KSS Method
- Keep: Anna continues to have conversations with her mother in which she can express her feelings and thoughts, experience other points of view or develop new ideas.
- Stop: Anna decides to stop defending herself or reacting harshly to supposedly critical statements from her mother and attacking them herself.
- Start: Instead, Anna begins to ask her mother questions in order to better understand her opinion and to find out whether her mother's statements are intended as criticism of Anna and, if so, why.
Result
It turns out that the mother's supposed criticism is rarely intended as such, but rather as an attempt to share her mother's experience of raising children with Anna. This makes it easier for Anna to perceive her mother's statements as an ‘offer to share experiences’, to accept them and to understand their essence.
In this context, Anna tells her mother which aspects of her comments make her feel criticized. This enables her mother, for her part, to apply the KSS method.
As a result, communication is much calmer when there are different points of view. The relationship between daughter and mother relaxes because both perceive more mutual understanding and respect.
Read the article to find out what role the relationship with your mother plays in your life and how you can consciously shape this relationship: When the Relationship with the Mother Negatively Influences Our Lives.
Conclusion
Constructive communication is a complex ability that you can develop by consciously and continuously working on yourself. The simple KSS method makes it possible to analyze and change thoughts, feelings and behaviors in a targeted manner. This enables you to improve the quality of your communication and relationships with other people.
In the article How We Develop When We Change Our Behavior: 3 Key Aspects, I describe in detail how I changed my communication with my son and how this affected my relationship with my son.
If you consistently apply the basic principle of constructive communication and the KSS method, you can shape and improve the quality of your relationships with other people on an equal footing.