About emotions

How to Heal Your ‘Child-Self’?

2025-04-22 14:07

What Does ‘Child-Self’ Mean?

The ‘Child-Self’ describes a state in which a person's reactions and behavior in certain situations remain childlike, even though they are already an adult. Certain emotional judgements and states as well as behaviors that developed in childhood continue to influence life in adulthood. This is often linked to unresolved problems and psychological injuries from a person's early years.
It is important to internalize that as adults we have the ability to consciously perceive, think through and let go of our past experiences and to develop new, ‘adult’ behaviors. We can therefore learn to act differently than in childhood, based on our awareness, common sense and the necessary inner strength and perseverance.
In psychology, we distinguish between three ego states or positions in which a person can find themselves when communicating with others: the ‘Parent Ego’, the ‘Adult Ego’ and the ‘Child Ego’ or ‘Child-Self’. You can find out more about these ego states in the article: Communication at Eye Level: How to Engage in an “Adult” Dialogue.

For its part, our ‘Child-Self’ can be in three sub-positions:

  1. The Rebellious Child shows dissatisfaction, resistance, and aggression.
  2. The Dependent or Compliant Child tends to suppress its own wishes and to resign itself to the point of submission.
  3. The Natural or Free Child shows creative energy, impulsively expresses joy and enthusiasm, but also disappointment, hurt or anger.
These Ego States or positions are discussed in detail in the book ‘EPIC Communication...’ (2025), where specific techniques and approaches for working with them are described.

How to Heal Your ‘Child-Self’?

The key to healing the ‘Child-Self’ lies in developing an adult position, not only in terms of age, but primarily in psychological terms. This requires first of all an awareness of one's own reactions and actions, then an understanding of their causes, followed by the conscious choice of new, ‘adult’ behaviors, and finally their gradual development.
The basic principle for constructive interaction can be applied to working on oneself. In the following, I describe its five steps with reference to the ‘child self’:

Steps to Working with the ‘Child-Self’

1. Awareness

The first step is to observe and become aware of your own excess emotions and reactions, especially in stressful or critical situations. Here it is important to notice the moments when you start to behave in a rather ‘childish’ way, be it through aggression, fear or hurtfulness. In which situations does it happen, with which topics and with which people?

2. Acceptance

This step is about not closing your eyes to your own emotions and reactions or running away, but consciously accepting them as part of yourself (remember: ‘Nobody is perfect!’). This applies to feelings such as disappointment, hurt, fear and other strong emotions as well as the associated behaviors. Acceptance is particularly crucial in difficult situations where childish behaviour becomes apparent.

3. Understanding

After becoming aware of and accepting your own excess emotions and childish behaviors, it is important to recognise which of the sub-positions of the ‘child ego’ occurs most frequently. Is it the rebellious, the compliant or the natural child? Analyze what or who exactly triggers these reactions and in which situations, and why you respond with the same ‘non-adult’ behaviors.

4. Drawing Conclusions

Look at your reactions from an objective perspective and make a decision:
  • Do you like the way you react in difficult situations?
  • Would you like to continue acting this way?
  • Or do you prefer to change your usual behaviour?

5. Applying the KSS Method

The ‘Keep-Stop-Start’ method helps to shape the transition from the conclusion to changing behaviour:
  • Keep: Identify which of your behaviours in difficult situations do you want to keep, as they help you to deal with these situations as an adult, mature person and generally have a positive effect on your life?
  • Stop: Which specific behaviours in difficult situations would you like to stop exhibiting, because they prevent you from acting as an adult, mature person in these situations and have a negative impact on your life?
  • Start: What specific ways of reacting and behaving in difficult situations would you like to start developing, because they will help you to deal with these situations as an adult, mature person and improve your relationships with other people and your well-being?
The KSS method can be applied universally to feelings, thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors – toward others and yourself.

Example of the KSS Method in Action

Situation: In discussions on relevant topics, a colleague repeatedly expresses a different opinion to you. You notice that you react aggressively to this and quickly become loud. You also don't let your colleague finish speaking because you think: ‘He's not going to say anything useful anyway, so why waste time with empty words?’ (like the rebellious child)
  • Keep: Continue to observe your behaviour and pay attention to your feelings and thoughts that lead to this specific behaviour towards this specific colleague of yours.
  • Stop: Stop reacting aggressively to your colleague's statements, even if they contain critical aspects. Also stop interrupting your colleague, as this will deprive them of the opportunity to fully express their opinion or prevent them from formulating their point of view ‘in one go’. Such behavior on your part is unlikely to be well received, and possibly not only by the colleague in question, but also by others...
  • Start: Develop (practice) the skill of letting your colleague finish and, if necessary, asking questions to better understand their opinion. Also develop the skill of expressing your opinion calmly and constructively. And finally, develop the willingness and ability to look for points of contact or common ground between your opinion and that of your colleague.

Conclusion

Working on the ‘Child-Self’ is a path to personal growth and the development of a mature, adult attitude in life, both with regard to various ‘critical’ issues and situations as well as towards other people and oneself. This process requires mindfulness, patience and practice (‘practice makes perfect!’); it makes it possible to shed childish behavior patterns and achieve harmony in all areas of life.
By applying the 5-step algorithm, you gradually shed habitual ‘childish’ behaviour patterns and build up new ‘adult’ behaviours.
I recommend you read the article: When the Relationship with the Mother Negatively Influences Our Lives. This article provides another example of how to apply the 5-step algorithm. In addition, the relationship with the mother can be particularly important for working on your own child ego.