How to Learn to Love: The 5 Levels of Love

Love is one of the most multifaceted and mysterious feelings that we humans have. Is it possible to define love precisely, or is it possible to define it at all? The answer is: ‘Hardly’! Love as a feeling or emotional state is difficult to put into words, let alone completely. Trying to describe it is like transferring a phenomenon from one dimension (feelings) to another (words, thoughts) where other laws apply.

So what can we do when we are in the realm of thoughts, reflections and words? We can at least try to describe how love expresses itself through certain behaviors and on which levels it manifests itself. Because regardless of the fact that love is primarily a feeling, many of us have already experienced that it manifests itself in a series of actions, reactions and also words towards the person we love. And it is precisely these actions, reactions and words that we can consciously develop as behaviors.

We can view love on five levels, each of which can be understood through certain actions and behaviors.

Acceptance means embracing another person as they are, without judging, condemning or trying to change them. It is the ability to ‘allow’ the other person to be themselves, with all their so-called ‘strengths’ or ‘weaknesses’ or ‘peculiarities’ that differ from our own. For many people, this is already a huge challenge!

Respect is the recognition of the inherent uniqueness and value of another person. Respect manifests itself in honoring another person's right to their own feelings, thoughts, actions, beliefs and values, without trying to diminish their importance and thus control, belittle or subjugate the person as such. This is also a huge challenge for many people!

Compassion is the willingness and ability to perceive and share the pain or suffering of another person and to stand by them in difficult moments by showing attention, turning towards them and supporting them with care.

Empathy is the ability to not only ‘understand’ the emotions of another person, but to feel them as if they were your own. Empathy stands for a deep level of mutual understanding or togetherness, in which people are connected through the equality of their feelings.

Unconditional love is love from a person who does not expect or demand anything in return from the loved one. It exists regardless of the behavior of the loved one, their successes or social status. Unconditional love is the highest form of love; it is independent of external factors.

Love may be innate in its pure form, but the question immediately arises as to what ‘love in its pure form’ actually is and how it manifests itself.

If we take a pragmatic approach, we can try to consciously learn, develop, allow or feel new behaviors, thoughts and feelings at every level of love. This can take place differently at each higher level and may be more difficult. It is therefore advisable to proceed step by step. The more thoroughly we have developed on the first level (acceptance), the more likely it is that we will also make good progress on the second level (respect). The new behaviors or patterns (acceptance and respect) open the way to higher expressions of love – compassion and empathy. Through our experience on or with the first four levels, we finally approach the level of unconditional love.

When a person learns new ways of feeling and expressing love, they gradually free themselves from patterns of behavior, reactions and thoughts that are based on insecurity, fear or selfishness.

This process requires effort, time and patience. It is uncertain whether every person who decides to do this will actually reach all levels of love. In any case, however, their emotional life, their world of thoughts and their repertoire of behavior will expand. And this enables a positive, peaceful and harmonious relationship with others and oneself.

In the article How to Heal Your ‘Child-Self’?, you will learn how you can learn new behaviors that correspond to the 5 levels of love and how you can detach yourself from behaviors that contradict these levels.

Love is a multi-layered phenomenon that can be developed on several levels. Learning to love means learning to accept yourself and others, to treat them with respect, to feel and show compassion and empathy and to communicate with each other without conditions. Learning to love also means discovering and applying new ways of expressing emotions, opening up to deep and sincere relationships and actively cultivating them.

To find out for yourself what specific behaviors, feelings, thoughts, etc. are involved, I recommend the article: What is behavior? A practical guide to change. There you will find an approach and a tool that you can use to find out where you want to start.