Otto von Bismarck is credited with the saying: "Only an idiot learns from his own mistakes. I prefer to learn from the mistakes of others." Astute, isn't it!
So what can one say about someone who learns neither from the mistakes of others nor from his own – and keeps falling into the same trap?
Why We Don't Notice Our Own Mistakes
It's rarely due to stubbornness or a lack of intelligence. Often, a person simply can't see in themselves what is obvious to others. This is called a "blind spot": when we don't perceive our own behavioral patterns, but see them very quickly in others. For more on this phenomenon, see the article Blind Spots: How to Get to Know Yourself Better
Behavioral patterns are more than mere habits. They are deeply ingrained connections of beliefs, thoughts, emotional evaluations, and actions that are automatically triggered in certain situations. This is precisely why people often don't understand why they repeatedly find themselves in the same peculiar situation.
Awareness of blind spots usually arises in one of two ways: Either the unpleasant consequences of a recurring situation become unbearable, or someone says directly to your face: "Why do you keep stepping on the same rake?" or "Why do you keep making the same mistake?"
How People React to Such a Feedback
When someone points out a recurring mistake to us, the reactions vary:
- We are offended by the "unjustified" criticism – and then fall into the same trap again.
- We let it go in one ear and out the other — especially when we didn't ask for feedback in the first place.
- We honestly admit: Yes, there are situations that repeat themselves and that take away joy or cause frustration for us (and others).
- We ask what exactly is meant, and what the person advises us to do differently.
The first two paths lead nowhere. The third and fourth are the beginning of genuine self-reflection.
Why People See the Pattern — But Still Don't Change
That's perhaps the most interesting question. Sometimes someone recognizes a recurring pattern in their behavior, with all its consequences, is hardly pleased about it – and yet does nothing. The reasons can be divided into two groups:
- People don't see it as a problem: they've gotten used to it, look away, rationalize it, or have decided, "That's just how I am."
- People see the problem but do nothing about it: They don't know exactly what to change. Or they know WHAT, but not HOW! Or they're afraid that a change will only make things worse. Or they fear finding themselves in an unfamiliar situation after a change, with unknown pitfalls.
In all these scenarios, what helps is honest feedback from someone you trust. For more information on how to ask for and give feedback, see the article Feedback: Why Is It Important to Give and Request It?
If it’s You who Repeatedly Falls into the Same Trap
Ask someone you can really talk to openly. Start something like this: "I need your advice. I think I keep making the same mistake. Specifically, it's about the following..." Then briefly describe the situation. And then ask directly: "Have you noticed this too? And if so, what do you advise me to do differently?"
This takes courage. But precisely such a conversation gives you what even the most intensive self-reflection can hardly provide.
If You Notice Someone Else Repeatedly Falling into the Same Trap
Don't jump right in! First, gauge their willingness to listen: "I've noticed something about your behavior in a certain situation a few times now." Briefly describe the situation. And then: "This may be important. Are you willing to listen to me?"
If the answer is "No," follow up briefly: "No, not in principle? Or just not right now?"
If it's simply not the right moment, ask the person to get in touch when they're ready for your feedback.
However, if he or she is fundamentally unwilling, accept that! Pressure won't work here.
If the person is willing to listen, use the SBII model: Situation – Behavior – Impact – Intent. This model helps you communicate your observation without attributing any motives to the other person or judging their behavior.
Conclusion
A "mistake" or a "trap" is not a verdict. It's a signal: something in a familiar behavioral pattern isn't having the desired effect! And a person can recognize this signal early and react to it – if they are open to feedback and honest with themselves.
Learning from others’ experiences or mistakes is wise. This works if someone is willing to see new or different things and accept them as viable, and if they consciously formulate the lessons learned for their own behavior.
Learning from one's own experiences is natural. This should be done as quickly as possible after, for example, a "mistake" has been made. Otherwise, the learning process drags on, and the lessons can become painful or costly.
However, repeatedly exhibiting the same “unsuccessful” behavior without drawing any conclusions – that is a decision, whether made consciously or not.
For a step-by-step guide on how to change your behavior, read the article How We Develop When We Change Our Behavior: 3 Key Aspects