The feeling of resentment is a complex emotional reaction that signals that a certain topic, situation or person of particular importance to us is developing or behaving contrary to our expectations. This leads to an excessive emotional reaction, which in turn indicates inner conflicts and unfulfilled needs.
How to Recognize Resentment?
It can manifest itself in different ways. Some people withdraw, others react violently and emotionally. Resentments or feelings of offence manifest themselves on several levels: in thoughts and feelings, but also physically and in dealings with others. For example, they can manifest themselves as an unpleasant feeling in the chest or as tension in the body, but also as constantly recurring thoughts about what has happened or as cool or aggressive words towards another person.
In order to recognise resentment within yourself, it is important to practise a certain amount of self-observation and self-analysis. Ask yourself questions such as: ‘What am I feeling right now? What specifically triggered these feelings? Why am I reacting exactly like this?’ Often resentment or feelings of insult arise when other people, consciously or unconsciously, touch our sore spots.
Causes of Resentment
Resentment is often caused by other people's actions or words. It is therefore important to ask yourself the following questions: ‘Did the other person really mean to hurt me? Was that their intention? Or did their behavior stem from a habit that has nothing to do with me?’ The answers to these questions can help us to assess the situation in question more soberly.
The frequency with which we feel resentment is related to our level of personal maturity. If we react with resentment, this indicates that we harbour unresolved conflicts or vulnerable areas within us. A mature person looks for the causes of their emotions within themselves. They understand that they are responsible for their own reactions and refrain from blaming others.
How to Deal With Resentment?
A conscious, mature approach to resentment involves several steps:
Acknowledge Your Own Emotions: Admit to yourself that you feel resentment. For example, say to yourself: ‘Yes, I feel resentment’.
Identify the Facts: Analyse what exactly happened. What specific words or actions of another person triggered your reaction?
Look for Hidden Causes: Think about which of your characteristics or which possible inner conflict could be the cause of your resentment. Is it perhaps pride, vanity or an inferiority complex? Work on this characteristic!
Assess the Other Person’s Intentions: Ask yourself whether the other person really and intentionally wanted to insult or hurt you. It is important to remember that it is somewhat difficult to determine this down to the last detail… Regardless of whether you think there was intent or not, it is significant to understand that YOU have a choice in how YOU respond to another person's words or actions.
Address Your Unmet Needs: Find out if any of your needs may have gone unmet. Have you perhaps not been understood, heard or even ignored? Try to find a way to fulfil this need in a different way.
Choose a New Behavior: Replace your usual reaction (resentment) to perceived slights or insults with a new behaviour. In this way, you can decide either not to react at all or to look at the situation or actions of another person from a different perspective.
Let's assume that Frederick notices that his wife often speaks to him in an irritated tone. He feels resentment as he interprets this as an expression of lack of respect or even disrespect. A mature approach would be for Frederick to hold back from jumping to conclusions about his wife's intentions. Instead, he could tell his wife that he perceives her tone as irritable and ask her why she has been speaking to him in such a tone for some time. Perhaps she is just tired or worried about something.
Similarly, instead of being offended, Frederick could decide to focus on his wife's positive qualities.
When Resentment Catches You Off Guard
If you are suddenly overcome with resentment, it is often helpful to take a break. Take a few minutes to calm down and then reflect on your emotions. If necessary, briefly tell the person you are talking to about the emotional state you unexpectedly find yourself in. Then give yourself time to understand what is happening.
Conclusion
The feeling of resentment is a natural and understandable reaction. Our personal maturity is reflected in how we deal with it. In any case, it is important to recognise and accept that we can choose our reactions and thus decide whether we leave the playing field to negative emotions or find a more mature way of dealing with others and ourselves. In this context, I recommend the article: Communication at Eye Level: How to Engage in an “Adult” Dialogue.