When things go wrong in a relationship, the first impulse is often to expect the partner to change. However, something else works faster and more reliably: start with yourself! Specifically – shift your focus of attention and show gratitude.
Stop Looking for the “Hair in the Soup”
Many couples experience something similar over time: 2-3 annoying habits of their partner take up more and more space in their minds, while 10-15 good things go unnoticed every day.
Perhaps these good things or deeds have always been there, but have become so routine that you've stopped noticing them or taken them for granted. As a result, have you perhaps also stopped being grateful, or at least expressing your gratitude?
He left the toothpaste tube unscrewed again… She's talking far too quietly from the other room again… These are the kinds of things that take center stage! But the fact that he made you coffee without being asked? That she saved half the chocolate for you? All of that is taken for granted.
When it Seems as if Almost Nothing Good is Left
Sometimes the question arises: "What if I actually find little to nothing that I like about my partner, their behavior, and our life together?"
Then it's advisable to pause and ask yourself: “Why am I still in this relationship at all?” If you don't have an answer to this question, it's no longer about everyday things you could focus your attention on, but about something much more serious.
However, if you haven't given up on the relationship yet, especially if you're open to the idea that your partner might feel the same way about you as you do about them, then it makes sense to dig deeper.
What to Change in Your Behavior — Specifically
1. Write down which of your partner's habits bother you. Be as specific as possible, e.g.:
He often interrupts me. I want him to let me finish speaking.
She speaks to me from the other room so quietly that I can't hear anything. I just want her to speak a little louder.
2. Now choose one habit or behavior of your partner that, if changed, would make your life significantly easier.
3. Also consider: what can you do differently to reduce such disturbances and gently guide your partner in the desired direction?
Example: She speaks to you quietly from the other room, and you cannot hear her.
Your possible responses:
- Do not react, as you cannot hear anything.
- Answer louder, but in a friendly tone: "I can't hear you, honey!" or "Just a moment, I'll come over – I can't understand you from here!"
Do not react, as you cannot hear anything.
4. Consciously apply this new response for 5-7 weeks. This is exactly how long it takes for a new behavior to become a habit. If you apply not just one, but two or three new responses, observe which one works best.
An Important Reminder
Your partner is most likely not doing what irritates, bothers, or hurts you on purpose. More likely, they simply haven't yet realized that a certain habitual behavior triggers negative feelings in you. Give them time to recognize this. As soon as the first, even the smallest, positive changes in your partner's behavior become apparent, thank them for it! Specifically and sincerely.
By the way, expressing gratitude with an explanation carries more weight! This helps your partner better understand which of their behaviors have a positive effect on you.
To learn why we often fail to notice our own patterns, read the article Stepping on the Same Rake: Why We Repeat the Same Mistakes.
Conclusion
Relationships don't change by waiting for our partner to change. They change when we shift our focus – from irritation and anger to gratitude; from expectations of our partner to our own actions. This doesn't mean ignoring problems. It means consciously choosing where to begin.
For those who are seriously working on self-improvement, want to expand their behavioral repertoire, and increase their self-awareness—check out the article How We Develop When We Change Our Behavior: 3 Key Aspects.