We observe unusual behavior in other people, and almost immediately we explain it to ourselves – mostly silently, often incorrectly.
But how do you address someone's behavior without resorting to judgments like "rude," "inappropriate," or "what kind of nonsense is that?" And how do you avoid attributing motives and intentions to other people that they didn't have?
First: the basic principle
The starting point is the Basic Principle of Constructive Communication, which is described in detail in the article How to Engage Constructively in Dialogue and Build Relationships Easily.
According to this principle, you accept another person's behavior without judging it – especially when it differs from your own behavior or your expectations of another person.
However, accepting doesn't mean agreeing with everything immediately. It simply means acknowledging a basic fact: that everyone can behave differently than you do.
Based on this, it is easier to take the next step – to understand the other person's behavior: their reasons and their message.
SBII Algorithm
Next, I recommend the SBII Algorithm: Situation – Behavior – Impact – Intent.
It helps to give a person feedback on how their behavior affects us. And also to understand why and for what purpose they behaved in this particular way in that particular situation. Both without unnecessary judgments and assumptions that rarely hit the mark.
The core of the algorithm: You speak to your counterpart based on facts, your own observations and feelings.
S — Situation
Begin by describing the situation in which you observed the behavior you want to discuss. For example:
1: “In our team meeting yesterday…”
2: “When we were at the cinema yesterday…”
3: “During the morning meeting, when the colleague from the other department explained why he hadn't delivered what he had promised…”
B — Behavior
Describe the specific, observable behavior of the person in this situation. No interpretations, no judgments – only what you saw with your own eyes. For example:
1: “You arrived 10 minutes after the meeting started.”
2: “You turned on your phone several times during the movie and read messages.”
3: “You stood up and walked across the room, gesturing with your arms and then slammed your fist on the table.”
I — Impact
Describe the effect this behavior had on you, the situation, and the overall mood. For example:
1: “I got the impression that the topic of the meeting wasn't particularly important to you.
2: “Your screen blinded me and the notification sounds distracted me from the movie.”
3: “It seemed to me that your emotions had gotten the better of you and you needed to let off steam. That made me feel uncomfortable.”
I — Intend
Ask the other person if all of this was intentional. For example:
1: “Did you intentionally arrive late to the meeting?”
2: “Did you notice that your display and notifications bothered me?”
3: “Did you want to cause discomfort – perhaps among the colleague from the other department?”
What are the likely answers, and how should one react to them
When asked about their intention, people usually answer in one of three ways.
Agreement: “Yes, exactly like that.” Then you can reply: “Uhu, so you succeeded.”
Denial: “No, you misunderstood me!” Then: “That’s exactly what I wanted to understand, which is why I gave you this feedback. Now you know how your behavior came across, at least to me – even if it wasn’t your intention. You can take that into account in the future, or not.”
It's surprising that one's own behavior had such an effect, as this was unintended or a different reaction was expected. In this case, you can suggest how the person could have acted differently – for example, what they could have done instead of banging their fist on the table.
Two prerequisites for the SBII Algorithm to work
The SBII Algorithm does not work on its own, but under at least 2 conditions.
Firstly: You truly master it, meaning you haven't just read about it, but have learned it in practice.
Secondly: Your partner is willing and able to accept feedback in this form.
One more tip: The first attempt rarely goes perfectly. Even if the first 10 attempts don't go as planned – no need to get discouraged. Keep going and try again… and then several more times! Practice makes perfect.
Conclusion
The SBII Algorithm is not a technique for “difficult conversations”. It stands for speaking to people honestly and without unnecessary tension – based on facts, not presumptions or imputations.
The more often you use this algorithm, the more natural it will become for you and your conversation partners. And the less frequently misunderstandings or hurt feelings will arise in your communication.
For more information on how to ask others for feedback, read the article Feedback: Why Is It Important to Give and Request It?